Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
I Rented a Room from a Sweet Old Lady — but One Look at the Fridge the Next Morning Made Me Pack My Bags
When Rachel found a cozy room rented by a sweet old lady, it seemed like a perfect escape from her struggles. But beneath the floral wallpaper and warm smiles, something far darker was lurking… something that made her pack her bags the very next morning.
When you’re desperate, you cling to anything that feels like hope. That’s where I was — my little brother’s medical bills towering over me, full-time classes pushing me to my limits, and late-night waitressing draining what little energy I had left.
When I got into a university in a new city, I should’ve been ecstatic, but the reality of finding affordable housing made it hard to celebrate. So when I stumbled across a listing for a cozy room in a sweet old lady’s house, it felt like a lifeline.
A hopeful woman holding a cellphone | Source: Midjourney
The rent was ridiculously low, and the photos showed a charming little place with floral wallpaper and vintage furniture. The ad said: “Perfect for a quiet, respectful female tenant. No pets, no smoking.”
It was ideal.
When I arrived there, my landlord Mrs. Wilkins greeted me at the door with a warm smile and a smell of fresh lavender lingering in the air. Her hair was neatly pinned back, and she looked like someone who should’ve been knitting by a fireplace, not renting rooms to struggling students.
“Oh, you must be Rachel,” she said, ushering me inside. “You’re even lovelier than I imagined. Come in, dear, come in!”
An older lady smiling | Source: Midjourney
Her eyes seemed to linger a bit too long, scanning me from head to toe. “Tell me about your family, dear,” she said, her voice honey-sweet. “Any siblings?”
“My little brother Tommy,” I replied. “He’s staying with our widowed aunt while I’m here. She helps take care of him while I’m studying.”
Mrs. Wilkins’s smile tightened almost imperceptibly. “How… convenient,” she murmured. “And your parents?”
“They passed away last year in an accident.”
“Oh, how sad. Come in… come in,” she said as I followed her inside.
An anxious woman at the doorway | Source: Midjourney
The house was straight out of a storybook. Knick-knacks lined the shelves, and a geometric-patterned couch sat invitingly in the living room adorned with floral wallpaper. The faint aroma of vegetable soup drifted from the kitchen.
“I made us some dinner,” she said, leading me to the table. “It’s been ages since I had company.”
“That’s very kind of you,” I started, but she interrupted.
“Kind?” She chuckled, a sound that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Kindness is… complicated, Rachel. Some might say I’m too kind.”
I smiled, trying to ignore the sudden chill. “Thank you, Mrs. Wilkins. This place is amazing.”
“Amazing,” she repeated, almost to herself. “Yes, that’s one way to put it.”
An older woman with a haunting smile | Source: Midjourney
Over bowls of hearty soup, I shared bits of my life. She nodded sympathetically, her hand occasionally patting mine with a grip that was just a fraction too tight.
“You’ve been through so much,” she said softly. “But you’ll be just fine here, dear. I can feel it.”
There was something in her tone… a promise that felt more like a warning.
“I hope so,” I replied, my earlier comfort now tinged with an unexplained unease.
For the first time in months, I felt something between safety and something else. Something I couldn’t quite name. That night, I slept deeply, yet somewhere in the back of my mind, a small voice whispered: not everything is as it seems.
A woman lying in the bed | Source: Midjourney
The next morning, I woke up early, feeling optimistic.
The sun streamed through the lace curtains as I grabbed my toiletries and headed toward the kitchen, craving coffee before a hot shower.
That’s when I saw it. A huge list, almost four feet long, was taped to the fridge, written in bold, bright red letters: ‘HOUSE RULES – READ CAREFULLY.’
I froze.
A horrified woman | Source: Midjourney
I squinted, leaning closer as I began reading the rules one by one:
1. No keys will be provided. Mrs. Wilkins will let you in between 9 a.m & 8 p.m only.
2. The bathroom is locked at all times. You must ask Mrs. Wilkins for the key & return it immediately after use.
3. Your bedroom door must remain open at all times. Privacy breeds secrets.
4. No meat in the fridge. Mrs. Wilkins is a vegetarian & does not tolerate carnivores.
5. You must leave the house every Sunday from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. Mrs. Wilkins has her “ladies’ tea.”
6. No visitors. Ever. Not even family.
7. Mrs. Wilkins reserves the right to enter your room whenever she pleases.
8. Cell phone usage is restricted to 30 minutes daily, monitored by Mrs. Wilkins.
9. No music allowed. Mrs. Wilkins loves a peaceful & quiet environment.
10. You are not allowed to cook your own food without Mrs. Wilkins’s consent.
11. You are allowed to use the shower only three times a week.
12. ******* RESERVED FOR LATER*******
A huge list of rules taped to a refrigerator | Source: Midjourney
“Reserved for later?” My stomach twisted with every rule I read. By the time I reached the end, my hands were trembling. What had I gotten myself into?
“Good morning, dear,” Mrs. Wilkins’ voice sang from behind, startling me.
I jumped, spinning around. She stood there with a serene smile, her hands clasped in front of her sweater. “Did you read the rules?” she asked, her tone suddenly sharp. “Every. Single. Word?”
An older woman smiling gravely | Source: Midjourney
“I… yes,” I stuttered.
Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “And?”
“They seem… thorough,” I managed.
Mrs. Wilkins stepped closer. “Thorough is an understatement. These rules keep order. Keep safety. And discipline.”
“Safety?” I repeated.
“From chaos, dear,” she said. “Chaos is everywhere. But not in my house. NEVER in my house.”
A startled young woman | Source: Midjourney
“Did you have bad experiences before?” I asked, trying to sound casual.
Her laugh was a brittle thing. “Bad experiences? Oh, you have no idea.”
“Did you say my brother Tommy can’t visit?” I pressed, remembering my promise to check on housing options for him.
“No visitors,” she repeated, each word precise. “Especially not children. They are… unpredictable.”
“But—”
“No exceptions,” Mrs. Wilkins interrupted, her smile freezing.
An older woman smiling wickedly in the kitchen | Source: Midjourney
I nodded, my mouth suddenly dry.
“I hope the rules aren’t too much for you, dear,” she said, her voice returning to that earlier sweetness. “They’re very important to me.”
“Of course,” I stammered, trying to keep my voice steady. “I understand.”
But I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand how someone so kind could expect anyone to live under those rules. No key? No privacy? A bathroom lock?
Her eyes never left me as I mumbled something about needing to get ready for the day and retreated to my room, feeling like I was being watched.
A startled woman holding her head | Source: Midjourney
Behind me, Mrs. Wilkins hummed a tune that sounded almost like a children’s nursery rhyme.
I heard her footsteps pause outside my door. Then, surprisingly, they receded. The front door opened and closed. Through my window, I saw her walking to what looked like a small greenhouse in the backyard.
This was my chance.
I leaned against the door, my breath coming in shallow bursts. I had to get out. I couldn’t live like this… not when I was already stretched so thin.
As quietly as I could, I began stuffing my clothes into my suitcase. Every creak of the floorboards made my heart race. I kept glancing at the door, half expecting Mrs. Wilkins to appear with that unsettling smile.
A suitcase stashed with clothes on a bed | Source: Midjourney
“You’re making quite a bit of noise,” a voice suddenly crackled through an old intercom I hadn’t noticed before. “Would you like to explain what you’re doing?”
I froze. My hand hovered over a sweater, my heart pounding.
Mrs. Wilkins’s voice continued, razor-sharp. “Did you forget rule number seven? Everything requires my approval.”
Beads of sweat formed on my temples as I finished stuffing my clothes into my suitcase. I zipped up my bag, grabbed my things, and tiptoed toward the front door. But as I reached for the knob, a voice stopped me cold.
“Leaving already, dear?”
A shocked woman turning around | Source: Midjourney
I turned slowly. Mrs. Wilkins was standing at the end of the hallway, her expression calm but her eyes sharp.
“I, uh… I forgot I had something urgent to take care of,” I stammered.
“Oh, I see. Well, if you must leave, you must leave. But remember something: Everything is always worth discussing.”
Her tone was polite, but there was something chilling about it. The way she emphasized “must” felt like a challenge… a dare.
I nodded quickly, opened the door, and stepped out into the crisp morning air.
An older woman with a malicious glint in her eyes | Source: Midjourney
I didn’t stop walking until I reached a park a few blocks away. My suitcase sat beside me on the bench as I tried to catch my breath. What now? I had nowhere to go, no backup plan. The thought of giving up and going home crossed my mind, but I couldn’t. My brother needed me to make this work.
“Hey, you okay?” a voice cut through my thoughts.
I looked up to see a guy about my age. He was holding a cup of coffee and a paper bag, his dark hair falling into kind brown eyes.
“Not really,” I admitted.
A worried young man | Source: Midjourney
He studied me for a moment, something calculating behind those eyes. “You look like you’ve just escaped something. Not just a bad morning, but… something else.”
I tensed. “What makes you say that?”
He chuckled. “I’ve got a sixth sense for people running from something. Call it a talent. I’m Ethan, by the way.”
“Rachel,” I said.
A sad woman sitting on a wooden bench | Source: Midjourney
He sat down beside me and offered me the bag. “Croissant? Looks like you could use it.”
“Are you always this forward with strangers?” I hesitated before taking the croissant. “Thanks.”
“Only the ones who look like they’ve got a story. What’s yours?”
As I ate, I told him everything. About Mrs. Wilkins, her bizarre rules, and how I had no idea what to do next. He listened, nodding occasionally, his eyes never leaving my face.
“Sounds rough,” he said when I finished. “But something tells me there’s more to this story.”
“What do you mean?”
A shocked woman sitting on a bench | Source: Midjourney
He leaned in closer. “People like that old lady? They don’t just have rules. They have reasons. Dark reasons.”
We talked for hours. Ethan said that he worked part-time at a café near the campus. By the time the sun set, I had a lead on a room in a shared apartment — affordable, close to the campus, and most importantly, with normal rules.
“I’ll help you move if you want,” he offered, his tone almost too eager.
“Really?”
“Of course,” he said, flashing a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Can’t leave you hanging.”
A man sitting on a wooden bench and smiling | Source: Midjourney
Over the next few weeks, I settled into my new place, found a better-paying job at Ethan’s café, and started to feel like I could handle life again. Ethan and I grew close, and before long, he became more than just a friend.
But sometimes, late at night, I’d catch him looking at me strangely. Almost… appraisingly.
“Do you ever wonder about Mrs. Wilkins?” he’d ask randomly.
“Not really,” I’d reply. But that was a lie.
Sometimes, I think about Mrs. Wilkins and her strange little house. I wonder if she ever found another tenant. A chill would run down my spine when I remembered her last words: “Everything is always worth discussing.”
But one thing’s for sure: leaving that morning was the best decision I ever made.
A woman with a warm smile etched on her face | Source: Midjourney
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