A lot of big, tragic and important things have happened to this wonderful country of ours since April 2014. None of which I have covered. I was too busy writing about hungover parenting, ancient philosophy and my dog Colin.
Out of the 536 columns I have written, 27 were about that guy. Far too few. He is such a good boy, he deserves an article a week.
Today is the end of an era for me, and whenever these final events pop up in our lives, we can’t help but think about the ultimate end.
Everything we do, we will one day do for the last time. That’s why you have to enjoy things while they are around. It’s not just big events like leaving a job, house or loved one either. Whatever moment you happen to be in now, you will never get it back, and you don’t know how many more you have.
Everything we do in life, from eating pizza to spending time with the people we love, to driving, writing, drinking or breathing, we will one day experience for the final time. It might happen tomorrow. This can be either a depressing or an inspiring thought, depending on how you look at it.
A few years back in this column, I interviewed professor of philosophy William B Irvine, of Wright State University, Ohio, on this very topic. He put it this way on a Zoom call: “Recognition of the impermanence of everything in life can invest the things we do with a significance and intensity that would otherwise be absent. The only way we can be truly alive is if we make it our business periodically to entertain thoughts of the end.”
Today’s column is very meaningful to me because it is my last. Like the last night with a lover before she goes overseas. And just like a lover, there have been some half-arsed efforts put in from me over the years. Last week, for example, I spent 750 words moaning about how bad my cricket team is. But the truth is that any of my columns could have been the final. If I had reminded myself every week for the past 10 years that the end is inevitable, I may have been more grateful for having a column and appreciated writing them all as much as I am this one.
While everything we do could have more meaning with a focus on finitude, some things are inherently more worthwhile than others. There is no doubt my column “The pros and cons of wearing Speedos” from November 2022 was less meaningful than most things in this world. That was a waste of everyone’s time. So, if we only have so much time, how do we pick the best things to do?
Well, Oliver Burkeman, the author of Four Thousand Weeks – Time Management For Mortals, suggested this to me in a 2022 column: “Ask yourself, does this choice enlarge me? You usually know on some unspoken level if it does. That’s a good way to distinguish between options.”
With that in mind, I don’t feel great about my 2018 article on “New Zealand’s best hole”. That didn’t enlarge anyone.
There will be people reading this column right now who have loved my writing in the Herald and are sad to see it end. Others will have hated it and are glad to see me go. Many won’t have any opinion at all. But for those in the first camp, I have good news. I have a book coming out on May 28 called A Life Less Punishing – 13 Ways To Love The Life You Got (Allen and Unwin Book Publishers). It’s a deep dive into the history, philosophy and science of not wasting our time lost in anger, loneliness, humiliation, stress, fear, boredom and all the other ways we find to not enjoy perfectly good lives. It’s available for pre-order right now (google it if you’re interested).
A Life Less Punishing took me two years to write and is equivalent in words to 100 of these columns. Which would be a complete nightmare for those in the hate camp, but as I say, great news for those who want more.
Anyway, thanks to the Herald for having me, thanks to the lovely people who make an effort to say nice things to me about my column nearly every day and thanks to the universe for every single second we get.
Bless!
My Stepmom Secretly Canceled My Prom Hair Appointment to Ruin My Day, But Her Jaw Dropped When a Limousine Showed Up for Me
Let me tell you—this story is wild, and you won’t believe what happened!
First, a bit of background. I’m Emily, 17, and a senior in high school. I live with my dad, my stepmom Carla, and her son, Mason. Despite everything, Mason and I get along like siblings usually do. But Carla? Well, she can’t stand me, and trust me, the feeling is mutual.
It all started seven years ago when my mom passed away from a cold that wouldn’t go away. Not long after, my dad started dating Carla, and within a year, they were married. I’ll never forget my aunt’s words at the wedding: “Your father didn’t waste any time, did he? And who is Carla anyway? She’s nothing compared to your mom.”
Carla seemed fine at first. She even tried to win me over, but it didn’t take long for the passive-aggressive comments to begin. I remember once, she just stared at me and said, “You look too much like your mother, Emily. It actually pains me to look at you.” She’d add digs like, “No wonder your father gives Mason more attention.” I tried to brush it off, but it stung. My dad? Clueless, of course. He didn’t see how Carla really treated me, and Carla loved that. She could say whatever she wanted with zero consequences.
Fast forward to prom season. Like any other girl, I was dreaming of the perfect night. I had saved up my babysitting money for months and finally bought a gorgeous violet dress—my mom’s favorite color. I had also booked a hair appointment at a fancy salon, where all my friends were getting their hair done too. Everything was set for my magical night… until Carla decided to ruin it.
The day of prom, I showed up at the salon, excited and ready. But the receptionist looked confused when I arrived. “Emily? I thought you canceled your appointment,” she said. I froze. Canceled? I didn’t cancel anything.
Just then, the hairdresser came over and explained that she had received a call earlier that day, supposedly from my “mom,” canceling my appointment. My heart sank, and that’s when I saw her—Carla—sitting there, getting her own hair done, with a smirk on her face. She had canceled my appointment to ruin my day.
Desperate, I asked the stylist if she could fit me in anyway, but there were no openings left. I walked out of the salon in a daze, devastated. My perfect prom night was unraveling before my eyes, and by the time I got home, I was in tears, locked in my room, trying and failing to do my own hair. It looked awful, and I felt defeated. I didn’t even want to go to prom anymore.
But just when I thought the night was ruined, I heard loud honking outside. At first, I ignored it, thinking it was just a car passing by. But it didn’t stop, so I dragged myself to the window—and my jaw dropped. A sleek black limousine was parked in front of our house. Was this for me?
I ran downstairs just as the driver stepped out and asked for “Miss Emily.” My dad, confused, handed me a small card. Inside, in neat handwriting, it read: To my beautiful sister, Emily. I know you’ve had a rough time, but you deserve the best night ever! Enjoy the limo, and don’t worry about a thing. Love, Mason.
Mason? My 11-year-old stepbrother had planned all of this! He overheard Carla canceling my hair appointment, so he took matters into his own hands. Using money Carla had stashed away for a fancy necklace she wanted, Mason rented the limo and even arranged for a neighbor’s daughter—who worked as a stylist—to come over and do my hair and makeup.
Twenty minutes later, I went from crying in my room to looking like a princess. I couldn’t believe Mason had done all of this for me. When Carla pulled into the driveway and saw me stepping into the limo, her face turned red with shock. She had no idea how Mason had outsmarted her, and I wished I had a picture of her expression to hang on my mirror!
Prom turned out to be everything I had hoped for. When I arrived at the venue in the limo, heads turned, and I felt like a star. For the first time in a long while, I felt my mom’s presence with me, and the night was pure magic. As for Carla, I hope she learned her lesson—you can’t mess with someone’s happiness and expect to get away with it, especially when their little brother is there to save the day!
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