
Planning a wedding is supposed to be fun, right? Well, it wasn’t for me. Everything started off great. Mark and I agreed we wanted something small and simple. But when his mom, Linda, got involved, things took a turn.
Linda is one of those people who always knows best. She has an opinion on everything—how to cook, raise kids, and now, how to plan a wedding. Mark, my sweet, loyal husband, always says, “She’s just trying to help.” Sure, but her “help” usually means taking over.

An elderly lady | Source: Midjourney
The first major problem? The invitations.
When Mark and I picked out our wedding invitations, we were so happy. They were simple and minimalist, just like we wanted. We liked the clean design—nothing fancy, just our style. I remember showing them to Linda, hoping she’d smile and say something nice. Instead, she wrinkled her nose like she had smelled something awful.
“This is what you’re sending out?” she asked, holding up the sample like it was a piece of trash.

A wedding invitation | Source: Pexels
“Yes, we love it,” I said, forcing a smile. I could already feel the tension rising in my chest.
“It’s so… plain,” Linda replied, not even trying to hide her disapproval. “You know, people will think you didn’t put any effort into this. You should really go with something more… elegant.”
I wanted to say something sharp, but Mark gave me that look. You know the one, where his eyes plead, please don’t start anything. So, I swallowed my words and nodded, even though my stomach was turning.

A man with a side eye | Source: Pexels
A few days later, I thought things had blown over. Linda hadn’t mentioned the invitations again, so I figured we were in the clear. Boy, was I wrong.
One afternoon, Mark and I were sitting in the kitchen when he casually mentioned, “Mom said she made some changes to the invitations.”
“Wait, what?” I asked, my voice going up a notch.
“She just tweaked a few things,” Mark said, shrugging. “She’s excited. You know how she is.”

An upset woman | Source: Pexels
“What do you mean tweaked?” I demanded.
Mark scratched the back of his neck, looking uncomfortable. “She hired a calligrapher and added some flourishes. She also, uh, changed the wording a bit.”
I felt my face heat up. “She what?”
“She just wanted to make them look nicer,” Mark said, trying to stay calm. “She thought it would be a nice touch.”

A beautiful wedding invitation | Source: Pexels
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Mark, we didn’t ask her to do that! Those were our invitations, and now she’s completely changed them!”
He sighed. “I know, I know. But what’s done is done. It’s not a big deal.”
“Not a big deal?” I couldn’t hold back anymore. “Mark, she hijacked our wedding invitations! And you’re okay with this?”

A shouting upset woman | Source: Pexels
As if that wasn’t bad enough, Linda didn’t stop at redesigning the invitations. She went ahead and added people Mark and I didn’t even know. Old work friends, neighbors, and distant relatives we hadn’t seen in years suddenly made the cut. It was like Linda was planning a completely different wedding than the one we wanted.
“Why are we inviting people we don’t even know?” I asked Mark when I saw the list.
“She just thought it would be nice to include more people,” Mark explained, still defending her. “You know, so the wedding feels bigger.”

An apologetic man | Source: Pexels
“Bigger?” I scoffed. “We wanted a small wedding! Why is she adding people we’ve never met?”
Mark rubbed his temples, looking stressed. “She’s excited, okay? She just wants to help.”
“Help?” I was furious. “This isn’t helping, Mark. She’s taking over!”
I spent the rest of the night fuming, going over the new guest list, and thinking about how our simple wedding was spiraling out of control. Every time I tried to talk to Mark about it, he’d say the same thing: “She’s just trying to be involved.”

A couple arguing | Source: Pexels
But I didn’t want her “involvement.” I wanted our wedding, not hers.
Things reached a breaking point when Linda called to gush about the invitations. She went on and on about the gold envelopes and the elegant calligraphy, hiring a professional to do it. She even bragged about how she had included her “special friends.”
“Oh, it’s going to be such a beautiful wedding!” she exclaimed. “Everyone will be so impressed with the invitations!”

An upset woman talking to an elderly lady | Source: Midjourney
I could barely hold it together. “Linda, you didn’t even ask us before changing the invitations.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. Then she said, “Well, I just thought they needed a little… improvement. You’ll thank me later.”
I hung up the phone, shaking with anger. This wasn’t her wedding. It was mine and Mark’s. But Linda had decided to take matters into her own hands.

An angry dark-haired woman | Source: Midjourney
Mark tried to calm me down later that night. “She’s just excited. Let’s not make this into a big fight.”
“Mark, she’s hijacked everything!” I snapped. “What are we supposed to do now? Just go along with it?”
Mark looked down, clearly uncomfortable. “Maybe we can just… send out her version. What’s the harm?”

A couple arguing in their living room | Source: Pexels
I stared at him in disbelief. “What’s the harm? This is our wedding. Not hers.”
I had had enough.
One night, after Mark had gone to bed, I sat down at the kitchen table with our original wedding invitations. They were simple, just the way we wanted, with clean lines and no frills. I smiled as I ran my fingers over the paper. These were the invitations we had chosen—our wedding invitations, not Linda’s over-the-top version.

A woman mailing invitations | Source: Midjourney
I went through the guest list Linda had created. There were so many names I didn’t even recognize. Her old work friends, people from her book club, distant relatives we hadn’t seen in years. I tossed that list aside and grabbed our original one with the people we actually wanted to be there.
The next day, while Linda was busy boasting about her “perfect” invitations, I quietly slipped out to the post office. I mailed our original invitations to the people we cared about. No confrontation, no drama, just a silent fix to the problem.

Mailing invitations | Source: Pexels
The big day finally arrived. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, and everything was just as we had imagined it. Mark and I stood hand in hand, feeling a sense of calm wash over us. Our closest friends and family were there, just the way we had wanted. The simple, intimate wedding we’d dreamed of was happening, and it was perfect.
Karma hit during the reception. Linda was mingling, her eyes scanning the room. I watched from across the room as her smile started to falter. She was counting heads, and I could see the confusion slowly spread across her face.

Confused elderly lady at a wedding reception | Source: Midjourney
Linda had gone all out preparing for her VIPs—seating cards, special menu items, even personalized favors. But all those seats sat empty, and she had to awkwardly explain to the people at the table why half her guests weren’t there.
She hurried over to Mark, pulling him aside.

An elderly woman talking to her son | Source: Midjourney
“Mark,” she whispered urgently, “where are the Thompsons? And Carol? And my cousin Maggie? They all said they were coming!”
Mark blinked. “I don’t know, Mom. Did they RSVP?”
“Of course they did!” Linda snapped, her voice rising. “I spoke to them myself!”

An angry woman at a table | Source: Midjourney
I couldn’t help but smirk as I eavesdropped on the conversation. Linda was getting more and more frantic as she listed off the names of her “special guests.” One by one, she started texting and calling them, trying to figure out where they were. And one by one, she got the same answer: “We never got an invitation.”
The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. Her fancy invitations had never gone out, and she was left scrambling to explain why half her guest list was missing. The look on her face was priceless.

A shocked elderly woman | Source: Pexels
I watched as she put on a brave face, trying to act like everything was fine. But every time someone asked about her missing friends, I could see her smile crack just a little more. She spent the rest of the night in damage control mode, but the truth was out—her grand plans had fallen apart, and there was nothing she could do about it.

An upset elderly lady | Source: Midjourney
When it comes to family members who overstep, especially in emotional situations like weddings, you have to protect your own space. It’s easy to let things slide to keep the peace, but sometimes, you have to take control and quietly reclaim what’s yours.
The wedding was our first real test of that, and we passed with flying colors.

23 Backhanded “Compliments” That Are Actually Insults

Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
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