According to a survey, only 14% of couples sleep in separate beds every night. And while many of us might believe in the saying “couples who sleep apart grow apart” there are studies that show the opposite is actually true.
We at Bright Side believe that there are no wrong or right sleep arrangements, because to some, sleeping in different beds can be as pleasing as for others sharing a bed with their partner.
A poor night’s sleep can turn lovers into fighters.
According to research, sharing a bed with a partner that has restless sleep behavior can deprive you of 49 minutes of sleep each night. And, when one partner doesn’t get a proper night’s sleep because of the other, it will most likely result in a conflict between them the next day.
Actually, the study even confirmed that couples who tend to have a poor night’s sleep have more severe and more frequent fights than those who wake up well-rested. People who get a good night’s sleep, on the other hand, are more likely to be in a good mood, have lower stress levels, and be more patient.
Resenting your partner because you can’t get a good night’s sleep can be destructive to the relationship.
Snoring, fidgeting, and bed or blanket hogging are just a few of many reasons why some couples choose to sleep in different beds or even in different bedrooms. Lying awake listening to your partner snoring while you beat yourself up to fall asleep can lead to a build-up of anger, tension, and resentment toward your partner.
According to Jennifer Adams, author of Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart, sleeping in a separate bedroom can even help a relationship thrive because both partners are not sleep deprived.
Each partner can tailor their sleeping conditions to their heart’s content.
Tina Cooper, a licensed social worker, sleeps in different bedrooms with her partner because of their opposite sleeping habits. “I’m a night owl, he’s an early bird. I need soothing sounds to fall asleep, and he likes silence. He likes a hard mattress, and I like soft and full of pillows. And because I don’t like the early day’s sunlight, my boyfriend gave me the master bedroom which gets less light and he has the second largest room that gets the sunrise he loves.”
How you spend the nighttime in your shared bedroom with your partner can also influence your daytime functioning, marital satisfaction, and psychological and physical health. And when 2 people with different bedtime preferences and nighttime schedules end up together, changing themselves just to please their partner’s needs might harm their relationship in the long run.
Sleeping in different bedrooms with your partner means that the 2 of you will have a place just for yourselves where you can relax after an exhausting day. This way, both of you can satisfy your needs without tiptoeing around and worrying about whether your partner might wake up because you want to watch the latest episode of your show before bed.
Even if you don’t remember waking up, disturbed sleep can have a negative impact on your overall health.
During the night, our brain cycles through the stages of sleep several times: light sleep, deep sleep, and REM (Rapid eye movement sleep). But when you interrupt the cycle by waking up during the night, it means that your brain spends more time in the light sleep stage and misses out on REM. And without sufficient REM your emotional well-being and cognitive performance suffer.
Interrupted sleep can also have short and long-term health consequences, like hypertension, weight-related issues, mental health problems, reduced quality of life, and other health-related issues.
People on Reddit share why they decided to sleep separately with their partner.
- “Because a good night’s sleep is more romantic than sharing a bed. I snore and toss and turn. He gives off literal village levels of heat in his sleep and I can’t stand the heat. I read, he can’t stand light. We keep different hours to an extent. A million reasons. We get along so much better this way.” — crankyweasels
- “My partner and I have completely separate bedrooms. We ’sleepover’ occasionally in each other’s rooms. However, we both sleep exponentially better apart. He’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. He wants only one sheet on him, I want 10 lbs of blankets. In addition, having a separate room allows me to decorate it however I want, have my own personal space, and keep it to the level of cleanliness I prefer. People look at us sideways when I mention the separate rooms thing, but it’s been a game-changer.” — eriasana
- “Different sleep cycles due to different work schedules. We are still madly in love and we both agreed to this because it’s the best for both of us.” — AFishInATank
- “Early in our relationship, 90% of our fights occurred in the bedroom. I like to sleep in a cold room with the fan on and white noise like a box fan. I also like to go to sleep with the TV on. She likes to sleep in a warm, still, cave in complete silence and darkness. We started sleeping in separate rooms and all of a sudden 90% of our fights stopped. Also, because we were getting real sleep, other fights turned more into heated discussions.” — ttc8420
What are your sleeping arrangements with your partner? Do you believe sleeping in different beds can help a relationship thrive?
My 6-Year-Old Granddaughter Came to Visit for the Holidays—Then Spilled the Beans About What Her Mom Says Behind My Back
Every grandmother loves spending quality time with their grandkids during the holidays. But when my six-year-old granddaughter started calling me names, I put a plan in motion that helped me discover that not everyone in your life will appreciate you.
Every holiday, I look forward to having Brittany, my six-year-old granddaughter, stay with me for the winter break. I was excited about our usual traditions: baking cookies, watching movies, and spoiling her with gifts. But last year changed everything.
Chocolate chip cookies baking on a pan on the stove counter at Christmas | Source: Midjourney
The week before her arrival, I transformed my house into a winter wonderland. Also, my kitchen counters disappeared under bags of flour, sugar, and chocolate chips for her favorite Christmas cookies. I really went all out to make it special for her.
Anyway, when I pulled up to my son, Todd, and his wife Rachel’s house to pick her up, Brittany burst through the front door with her PAW Patrol backpack bouncing behind her. Her pink winter coat was only half-zipped, and one of her boots was untied.
Little blonde girl running through the front yard holding a Paw Patrol backpack | Source: Midjourney
“Nanny!” she squealed, launching herself into my arms. Her hair smelled like strawberry shampoo, and she squeezed my neck so tight I could barely breathe. “Did you get the special hot chocolate? The one with the little marshmallows?”
“Of course, I did, sweetheart. And maybe some other surprises too.” I winked at her while fixing her coat and boot.
Rachel appeared in the doorway, phone in hand. “Her pajamas are in the front pocket,” she said without looking up. “And try not to give her too much sugar this time. Last visit, she was bouncing off the walls for days after.”
I gave Rachel a reassuring smile and ushered Brittany to my car.
Elegant woman in her 60s smiling in her front yard | Source: Midjourney
That first night, Brittany refused to sleep in the guest room. “Please, Nanny? I want to see the Christmas tree lights!” She looked up at me with those big brown eyes, clutching her favorite stuffed dog. “Chase wants to see them too!”
I wasn’t sure about a child sleeping in the living room, but I figured one time wouldn’t hurt. So, I helped her make a nest of blankets on the couch, right where she could see the tree.
While I cooked dinner, she sprawled out with her coloring books, humming along to the Christmas music playing softly in the background.
Little blonde girl coloring on a kitchen island | Source: Midjourney
“Hey, old lady,” she called out suddenly, giggling. “Can I have some juice?”
I nearly dropped the spatula. “What did you say, honey?”
“Old lady!” she repeated, giggling harder. “Can I have apple juice?”
I gave her the juice and brushed off her words… at first. I knew kids picked up all sorts of things at school.
But over the next few days, things got worse. The playful “old lady” turned into “wrinkly hag” and other names that made my stomach twist.
Elegant woman in her 60s looking worried in her living room | Source: Midjourney
These weren’t things children should say, but Brittany never said them maliciously. I think she thought they were just nicknames, but I had to find out for sure.
One afternoon, while Brittany was coloring again, I pulled up a chair beside her. “Brit, honey, where did you learn to call me ‘old lady’ and ‘ha-hag’?” I stuttered. “Was it at kindergarten? Did you hear the other kids say them to others?”
Without missing a beat, she shook her head. “That’s what Mom and Dad say about you all the time when you call!”
A little blonde girl coloring with an elegant woman in her 60s sitting beside her looking worried | Source: Midjourney
My heart stopped.
Todd and Rachel? My own son and daughter-in-law were speaking about me like this? To their six-year-old? That wasn’t fair, especially after everything I’d done for them over the years.
My late husband and I had helped them buy their home, and I’d later chipped in with their mortgage payments. Also, I’d often rearranged my schedule to watch Brittany when their babysitter canceled.
I’d even paid for their family vacation to Disney World last summer. My eyes watered, remembering Rachel’s tight smile when I handed her the check. “You really don’t have to do this,” she’d said, but she took it anyway.
Woman in her 30s with a tight face holding a check in her living room | Source: Midjourney
Had she been resenting my help all along?
That night, I came up with a plan, but I knew I had to wait until my granddaughter’s vacation was over
The next day, I gently explained to Brittany that calling me those names wasn’t nice, and to her credit, she stopped. We spent the rest of her winter break enjoying our usual activities.
We baked enough cookies to feed an army, watched every Christmas movie in my collection twice, and stayed up until 10 p.m. on New Year’s Eve drinking hot chocolate with extra marshmallows.
A woman in her 60s sitting on a couch with her little granddaughter watching movies | Source: Midjourney
A few days after New Year’s, it was time to take Brittany back to Todd’s. While she was in the bathroom, I hesitated, then slipped a small voice recorder into her PAW Patrol backpack.
When I dropped her off, Rachel barely looked up from her phone. That was fine with me; I wasn’t sure I could hide my feelings.
I focused on my girl instead, hugging her extra tightly. “Love you, sweetheart,” I whispered.
“Love you too, Nanny,” she replied, skipping inside with her backpack.
Blonde little girl running to the front door of a house | Source: Midjourney
I went home and waited. I knew the recorder wouldn’t last more than a day, but I didn’t want to seem overeager. I waited almost two weeks before I finally called Rachel.
My hands shook as I dialed. “I was thinking Brittany might like to spend the weekend,” I said, keeping my voice light. “It’s been so quiet without her.”
“Oh, sure,” Rachel replied with a sigh. “That would be… helpful. We were thinking of having some people over anyway.”
Woman in her 30s holding a phone and looking inconvenienced | Source: Midjourney
That Friday, when Brittany arrived, I waited until she was engrossed in her new PAW Patrol episode before retrieving the recorder from her backpack. My fingers trembled as I plugged it into my computer.
At first, there was mostly crackling or incomprehensible noise. But then Rachel’s voice came through loud and clear, and soon, Todd joined the conversation.
They talked about nothing important for what felt like an eternity. And then, I heard it.
“She’s so exhausting,” Rachel said. “Always calling, always trying to help. Like we can’t raise our own child? Did you see how many toys she bought this time? She’s trying to buy Brittany’s love.”
Woman in her 60s walking through the mall holding bags of toys | Source: Midjourney
“I know, but she’s my mom,” Todd said weakly. “She means well.”
“Well, I’m sick of it,” Rachel added. “I bet she has Easter already planned for us and this summer’s vacation. I thought telling Brittany to call her names would get her to back off, but I bet she’ll be calling to babysit soon.”
“I’m tired of her meddling too,” my son chimed in. “Maybe, we should start putting some boundaries. Let’s plan something for this summer for ourselves.”
A blonde man in his 30s looking worried while talking to a woman at the kitchen table | Source: Midjourney
That was more than enough. I slammed the laptop shut and breathed intently through my nose.
I had all the confirmation I needed. They had intentionally set up my granddaughter to call me names. They also thought I was too intrusive in their lives.
Fine. If they wanted boundaries, I’d give them boundaries. They wanted me to mind my own business? I’d do just that.
That Sunday, I invited them for dinner. I made Todd’s favorite lasagna and even bought Rachel’s preferred wine. Brittany ate too much and fell asleep on the couch afterward. I thought that was a good time to face my son and daughter-in-law.
Little blonde girl sleeping on a couch | Source: Midjourney
“I have something you need to hear,” I said, setting my laptop on the dining table and pressing play.
Their faces went pale as their own voices filled the room. Rachel’s wine glass froze halfway to her mouth.
“Mom, I can explain,” Todd stammered but wouldn’t meet my gaze.
I held up my hand. “No excuses,” I said. “I’ve spent years supporting you both, loving you, being there whenever you needed me. And this is what you do? Teach my granddaughter to disrespect me?”
Elegant woman in her 60s sitting on a kitchen table with one hand up looking serious and upset | Source: Midjourney
I pulled out a bag of new toys I’d bought for Brittany. “These are for her. Because no matter what you think of me, I will always love that little girl. But things need to change. If you don’t appreciate my help or generosity, then I’m done.”
Rachel sat there, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Todd slumped in his chair, looking like the little boy who used to crawl into my bed during thunderstorms.
A man and woman in their 30s looking surprised and sad sitting at the kitchen table | Source: Midjourney
“These are the boundaries you wanted: no more financial help and no more babysitting unless I want to,” I sighed, crossing my arms. They still couldn’t say a word, and honestly, I didn’t want to hear anything from them. “I think it’s time you take Brittany home. Don’t call me unless it’s an emergency.”
Slowly, they stood and left quietly, carrying their sleeping daughter and the bag of toys. I locked the door behind them and sank onto my couch, exhausted but somehow lighter.
Elegant woman in her 60s sitting on a couch looking relaxed but pensive | Source: Midjourney
A while later, I made myself a cup of tea and turned on my favorite show. The house felt too quiet without Brittany’s giggles and running footsteps.
Sometimes standing up for yourself hurts, but it’s better than letting people walk all over you. I just hoped that one day, my family would understand that my love didn’t mean they could take me for granted, or that they could teach my precious granddaughter to hurt me.
Elegant woman in her 60s sitting on a couch drinking tea looking relaxed but pensive | Source: Midjourney
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